Identifying and addressing codependency in a relationship

Codependent relationships can feel all-consuming. One partner becomes overly focused on the needs, emotions, or problems of the other, often to the point of losing touch with their own identity. So, codependency is the loss of self in others.  

But how do people find themselves in these types of relationships in the first place? The answer is often rooted in early experiences, emotional patterns, and learned beliefs. 

One of the most common causes is childhood conditioning. People who grew up in families where love was conditional, or where they had to "earn" attention by being helpful, quiet, or perfect, often internalise the belief that their worth comes from taking care of others. If a child’s emotional needs were overlooked or dismissed, they may learn to prioritise the feelings of others over their own in order to feel safe or valued. This pattern can persist well into adulthood, laying the groundwork for codependent behaviour. 

Low self-esteem is another major factor. When someone doesn’t feel worthy on their own, they might seek constant validation through a partner, especially if that partner seems to “need” them. It can feel like love, but it’s often a deep fear of rejection or abandonment that keeps them in a caretaking or overly giving role. 

Past trauma, especially emotional or relational trauma, can also play a powerful role. People who have experienced neglect, abuse, or abandonment may unconsciously seek out relationships where they can “fix” or rescue someone, or where they feel needed to avoid being left. 

So, how can therapy help? 

Most of us have an element of codependency. Its source is fear; fear of our own feelings or fear of what other people are feeling. Codependents/people pleasers think they are doing it from an authentic place (I’m doing it because I care, because I want them to be happy, because I don’t want them to be upset). Really it’s about I don’t want to feel my feelings about them being upset, or about them having a need I cannot meet, or about them having a feeling. You cannot have an authentic relationship if you are trying to control your own feelings by manipulating others. 

Therapy offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore patterns of thinking and behaviour. A therapist can help someone trace the roots of their codependency, challenge unhealthy beliefs (such as “I have to earn love”), and begin reconnecting with their own needs, values, and identity. Through this process, people learn how to set healthy boundaries, build self-worth, and develop more balanced, reciprocal relationships. 

Importantly, therapy isn’t about blaming the past. It’s about understanding it and using that insight to make healthier choices moving forward. Recovery from codependency doesn’t mean stopping care or compassion. It means learning to include yourself in the equation. 

If you’ve noticed patterns of people-pleasing, emotional exhaustion, or staying in unbalanced relationships, therapy can be a powerful first step toward change. If you’d like to know more about how I could help, please contact me via my website.