Boys Don’t Cry
I’ve been a leader at work for nearly 30 years. I’m strong-minded, fearless at times, determined and importantly, at least for my colleagues, I have a rock-hard exterior, never flustered, never emotional. And I showed this at home too – the leader of the family, the person to ask for advice, and the one who makes difficult decisions.
I was proud of who I was and what I was – a pillar of strength. I thought my perseverance in times of challenge and my lack of emotion meant I was strong, masculine, just what my dad encouraged me to be. I thought it was right that I never showed my emotions to others – I wore the mask of strength at work and at home. However, like many males of my age, I had been poisoned by toxic masculinity. It was a deep trap that was preventing me from staying healthy. And the secret to success was quite the opposite – showing vulnerability.
Toxic masculinity is a set of cultural norms and expectations that define manhood in narrow, harmful ways. It continues to pervade our society. It propagates the idea that men must be stoic, self-reliant, and dominant, discouraging any expressions of vulnerability or emotional openness. One significant consequence of this toxic framework is that it severely impedes men from seeking help from anyone and particularly not therapy, thus affecting their mental health and well-being.
From a young age, boys are often taught to "man up" and suppress their emotions. Potentially this can lead to an internalised belief that seeking help is a sign of weakness. This harmful mindset fosters a stigma around mental health, wherein acknowledging emotional struggles is seen as incompatible with traditional notions of masculinity. As a result, many men suffer in silence, battling issues like depression, anxiety, and trauma without the support they need.
The reluctance to seek therapy is not just a personal issue but a societal one. By perpetuating toxic masculinity, we create an environment where men feel alienated from mental health resources. This isolation can lead to exacerbated mental health problems, substance abuse, and even higher rates of suicide among men compared to women.
Breaking free from the shackles of toxic masculinity involves redefining what it means to be a man. Promoting emotional literacy, encouraging open conversations about mental health, and normalizing therapy are crucial steps. Men must be shown that strength lies in vulnerability, and seeking help is an act of courage, not a sign of weakness. By challenging toxic masculinity, we can pave the way for a healthier, more inclusive society where men feel empowered to prioritise their mental health and seek the support they deserve.
I am a changed person. It took tremendous courage for me to be vulnerable and felt uncomfortable at the start. For years I had protected myself with a mask, showing others the person I wanted them to see, rather than the true me. By building a relationship with my therapist, I have been able to be vulnerable, and in turn I am more vulnerable with my friends and family. They are getting to see me for who I am, and, for what it is worth, they consider me more strong and courageous than ever before.
